The Halfway Mark

What's going on? It's been a strange week.  I find myself really missing Columbus and the family I created there. Missing Pride was hard. Not being physically there for a friend who had a miscarriage was (is) very hard. Feeling between places is strange, and (you got it) hard. I'm not unhappy, just unsettled and unsure of myself right now.

How pregnant are you? 20 weeks. Halfway to 40 weeks. Reeling.

Relate this pregnancy to objects we tend to eat or other daily stuff. Bugbear is now around 6.5" crown to rump, and 9-10" if measured full length. That's the size of a cantaloupe, or, if you're the pregnancy for men site that I like, a "nice sized boob." As with "the size of your fist," I'm not entirely sure who decides these things, but the men I've polled have immediately gone "oooohhhhh" when I use this description, making me think that there is in fact a standard measurement of Nice Sized Boob that is close to universal. The things we learn...

Tell me some random stuff about the Bugbear. Bugbear's main activity from now until s/he is born is growth. Systems are pretty much developed, though some weeks will be important for particular systems. Bugbear now has both dermal and epidermal skin layers, meaning that fingerprints and pads of toes and feet are not only started, but really present now. If Bugbear is a girl, her uterus is fully formed, and external genitals are forming, and if Bugbear is a boy, his testes are starting their descent. Regardless of sex, s/he has probably discovered a favorite sleeping position that s/he will likely continue once born, and is also sleeping about as much (and possibly on the same schedule) as s/he will when s/he is a newborn. That's freaking weird to me. On the upside, s/he seems most active between 8:30am and 10am, for an hour or two in the afternoon, and then for a few hours mid-late evening, so to me that's a much better hope than a tiny morning person.

What are you doing with/for Bugbear that's new?  I'm still waiting, anxiously, for Michael to be able to feel kicks/punches/headbutts. Especially since he's open about wishing he could be pregnant and experiencing all this, it feels strangely selfish to be the only one knowing what Bugbear is doing and where within my womb s/he is. (Sidenote: even for the sake of alliteration, I cannot use the word "womb" without snickering. It's just not my style. But at least I've tried.) Depending on whether activity means that s/he loves or hates something, s/he has strong reactions to 7Up, bubble baths, extended meditation, bacon, and having a computer resting on my stomach. We're still "playing" the if I poke him/her, s/he moves, and then kicks, so I poke back, but it's not so much new.

We also met with a doula yesterday, and she was fabulous. We won't make any decisions until we've met two other women who might be the ones to help us through our birthing experience, but we feel really good about having so many options for who and what we want for birth.





Tell me how you feel physically. Still bigger. I'm guessing this will be a theme for a while, especially since the next 4 months are all about growth. I need to take a picture. I don't want to wind up with nothing because of vanity...but I feel like a truck (yes, already).  Maybe I'll make taking that picture, even if I don't post it, my goal for the day.

I've only had a few baby migraines this week, which is truly lovely. I've also had frequent sciatic pain, which is the opposite of lovely. Nothing at all is pleasant about this, and though I hope acupuncture will continue to help, I'm also hoping that it will help noticeably, soon, and NOW.
 
What are you craving? Nothing in particular, and everything. Water and juice are delicious, but that seems to have more to do with my constant thirst than actual taste. Bugbear's amniotic fluid gets completely replaced every three hours from here on out, so I get the feeling I'm going to continue loving the fluids for quite a while.

Are you crazy emotional?  Yes and no. I think I'm more tired than emotional this week. Second tri energy seems to be something that comes and goes at random, if not a complete myth. I'm both frustrated that I'm not working outside the home because it makes me feel so ineffectual and draining, and also grateful that I'm not working outside the home because I am so randomly exhausted that I don't know that I could function.

Tell me how you feel otherwise. Okay. Unremarkable. Torn between elated and terrified. Completely overwhelmed. Happy. Sad. Frightened out of my frigging mind. In another 4 weeks, we'll hit viability day, when Bugbear could be born into a high-level NICU and survive to be a healthy child. That's huge. It's also terrifying. According to my pregnancy journal, Bugbear is likely to be born 135-159 days after I first felt him/her move, which means 38-8 days early (though I know that I felt movement REALLY early for a first time pregnancy, and I wonder how that impacts this sort of prediction). While I have no desire to go past term and have to look at induction options, I also find myself strangely sad at the thought of Bugbear being "an outside baby," one who demands things in completely different ways than s/he currently does, whose needs and abilities and existence is radically different than what I now know. And yet that's inevitable. It's what this whole thing is leading up to, and that's both comforting and terrifying at the same time.